Sometimes I stop for a second and split myself into two different Heathers;
Longterm/hardass Heather and Emotional/in-the-moment/self-absorbed Heather
It is those times where I think about how much crap I think I am going through and wonder if, in two/five/ten/twenty years I will think back to "that time I was twenty and I felt like everything was crumbling around me" and laugh at myself, wondering why I was such a fiery ball of emotion and self-pity.
But RIGHT NOW THAT'S HOW IT FEELS, OKAY.
Things I don't love doing that I've been doing awhile that I should theoretically stop so I don't continue whining
- Working in retail literally makes your life go by slower. So if you don't want that to happen, don't work at the freakin mall.
- I get bursts of inspiration to BEGIN writing, but then when I sit down to write i get so distracted and don't know what to write. Probably because I feel like I don't have enough life experience. Although I DO know what my new therapy story will be [Mum; check, Dad; check (at least for now)] Next up is living and growing up with an older sibling on the autism spectrum. It could help mend the relationship that has almost erupted into pure chaotic terror due to living in the same room for about six months. But I digress...
- For months, I've been telling myself to clean my room so that I have less issues living with a messy/unaware roommate, but I continue to say (to my self, mind you...nobody is forcing me to clean or telling me to get off my arse...except me) that I am too busy or tired etc. This should probably change. I could clean out my closet and have more room. Not that I have enough money to buy more clothes. Just like always. But who knows.
- Because I work so much, I spend lots of money on gas. I should probably do some math right now and figure out how much gas I am really spending versus the amount of money I actually get paid...one moment please...
- Gas: SO I spend about $130-$150 a month in gas. At least. On average. And having asked for less time driving up, thus cut from five days to four days... (big whoop)... I get about $600 a month on average, give or take. So I end up with $450-$500 a month after gas. Not bad I guess. But if I stopped completely, I probably would spend less on gas. Unfortunately, if I were being realistic here, having quit my job I would probably spend more time in Davis. BUT I wouldn't keep coming back and forth. So perhaps that would also cut down on gas.
- Follow up question for myself... so, having looked at what I've looked at, and determined what I really feel about working here at the store, the question is...when should I quit? End of May? Or middle of June? Middle of June is where i am leaning. But I might just go crazy before then. One more month? Dayum.
- Lastly, would spending more time in Davis make me happier? Yes, yes, most likely, and yes I think so. Staying away from roommate arguments, being closer to Scott, sanity restored, away from job, break from responsibilites, etc. I WOULD be spending too much money by being in Davis. Though then I wouldn't be eating parents' food and asked to pay for it. (Valid.) This is a legitimate concern, that maybe I should consider finishing work through the end of May and taking all of June off. To decompress, wait for Davis' waitlist decision and spend time with Scotty. Just gotta make sure I don't distract from finals...and am I invited to graduation? Maybe me and the rest of his outcasted family that don't get tickets should go get breakfast...ha ha...ha. Actually not a bad idea. I should propose it and get brownie points.
Enough ranting. But I gotta say, planning itself as well as planning the restoration of my sanity made me feel loads better. It might just be worth it to quit after May instead of extending through June. Even though that last bit of money would be helpful, perhaps my time would be best spent with relaxation and zen.
Operation Restore Heather's Sanity. (Is restore the right word? Should it be build? Create something that wasn't there?) Something to think about.
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